This is my final post on the subject. My grief will remain private from hereon out! However, I have already learned an important lesson about dialysis, which I feel compelled to share with you

Home hemo is not an easy choice. Originally, I wanted the freedom I thought it offered.  As I got into training, with a care partner(s), 70 pound machines, and a storeroom of treatment supplies, I realized that to pick up and go was not going to be as easy as I originally fantasized. Add to that the constant alarms, fluid leaks, forgotten clamps, and one would seriously wonder why anyone would undertake home hemodialysis. Yet I did, and, with all its ups and downs, I still love it! Continue reading

To live or die, that is the question

As  people with end stage renal disease (ESRD), we are in the unique position of being able to control our destiny. Nothing brought this home to me more than the recent death of my grandson.

Trite but true, my first thought was “why, dear God, didn’t you take me instead.” I was so prepared to go, and only chose dialysis because I knew Gabe still needed me. I would gladly have gone before him, and, in fact, I almost did. If I hadn’t been so selfish, wanting to stay here, thinking he still needed me, I could have been waiting on the other side with arms open wide. Or even better, maybe God would have spared him altogether, and I could have been his guardian angel, instead of him being mine! Continue reading